Let's Talk About ... the passage of time and passing time

I taught myself how to read when I was very young and from that moment on I was a voracious reader. I loved reading and being absorbed in stories and meeting all kinds of people through books and having a window into their lives. It was an escape I needed from constant bullying and abuse at school and at home and it kept me going, it gave me something beyond myself and my world.

I don’t remember most of the books I read in my childhood but a few are permanently imprinted on me. One is “A Lantern in Her Hand” by Bess Streeter Aldrich. It was published in 1928 and I read it in the 1960’s so it was already dated by then. The book is about Abbie, a character that the author based on her mother, and describes her life starting after the Civil War when she settles and lives in the Nebraska plains with her new husband. She leaves behind a possible life devoted to her main passion of singing, and her voice was good enough that she could have had a singing career.

The novel has a Little House on the Prairie path in that it describes their struggles working the land and surviving through farming. It emphasizes how Abbie devoted herself to raising their children. The children grow up and they all move away as none of them want to be farmers like their father and they see a world full of opportunities. At the end of the book, Abbie looks back at her life and finally realizes how she gave up her passion and identity for her children. She tries to sing but finds she has lost her beautiful, perfect voice; it is permanently gone.

What affected me as a child was understanding that that Abbie had lost herself. She had a passion that was her identity and she chose to walk away from that. The book ends with the message that Abbie’s contribution to the world was her children and she can live vicariously through her children (after all, this was written by the daughter about her mother). I rejected that message even though I wasn’t even a teenager yet. That’s why I remember reading the book and my strong reaction to it. I became very emotional reading how Abbie stood outside, alone on the farm, and realized her voice was literally gone. I had read about all her challenges through poverty and struggles through decades. Then at the end of her life I felt her sense of emptiness and loss at who she was after enduring all of that. Even though I was a child, I felt the passage of time through Abbie’s life. It was hard for me to accept that all that time could pass, decades of life, an entire life, and it would end with only emptiness.

I realize now that reading novels like “A Lantern in Her Hand” shaped me in ways I never before understood. I decided at the end of my 20’s that I did not want to be a mother. Maybe that’s because I could see Abbie’s sacrifice in the lives of the women I knew at that time who became mothers. Every 10 years I would switch my life onto a different path, first through making different career choices and then through exploring all kinds of new things once I retired. It was really all one path that I forged to find myself and become someone who I wanted to be and to be myself without limits.

Of course, in the corporate world being defined by others is inescapable. Unfortunately too many feel threatened by someone striving to go beyond the baseline and reaching their full potential. That’s one of the reasons I retired so young. It was the only way I could find out what I could accomplish on my own terms.

And now I am 65 years old and I feel the passage of time. I think about those I knew over the course of my life and become curious what paths they chose. I wonder what time has done to them, has it been kind or cruel. There are those who are exactly what they were when I knew them back in the 1980’s or 90’s or 2000’s. One of the main lessons from looking back is that people stay the same. As the saying goes, people don’t change, they reveal themselves.

Most people are joyful having lives raising children and having domesticity and living a life that I decided was not for me. They haven’t had the need to create an independent path to find themselves like I have had. Maybe that’s because I was unable for many reasons to truly explore what I could do and be during my childhood. I was withdrawn within myself to protect myself and was never encouraged to do more than that or be more than that. It takes a shitload of time to shed that protective skin and to heal from the inside out. It takes an effort that can go on for decades, sometimes a lifetime.

And so I have spent time over the decades working towards this goal of knowing myself and being myself with full confidence. But there comes a point when it becomes unavoidably clear that this journey has an end. Mortality becomes palpable. I think I felt this in my reaction as a child to “A Lantern in Her Hand” even if I didn’t understand it. Time is limited and, to paraphrase Mary Oliver, what have you done with your one precious life?

Time passes and we have to decide for ourselves what we want our lives to be, what for each of us is experiencing life through that time. I feel right now that I am ready, for the first time, to simply pass the time. I have never done that before or chosen that before but now it feels right. Part of this is finally accepting that being in the moment without the pressure to achieve is also experiencing life.

I keep thinking that maybe it’s time to come full circle. Maybe right now I need to withdraw into myself like when I was a child. Perhaps what I need is to read books and contemplate and observe the world rather than push myself to take action and engage to try to change or save it. I have no idea how much longer my journey will be. I have good genes; my grandparents and father lived until their late 80’s and even 90, and my mother died in her early 80’s. So maybe I can give myself a break from the pressure to feel responsible to engage and achieve for now. I don’t have to feel that somehow I am breaking a rule. I won’t spend each day being focused on accomplishing as much as possible so that I can feel like I am living to my potential. I can be content with simply passing time in the company of my dogs, reading and watching movies and sipping tea and just being. Let’s see how that goes.

 

Let’s talk about … changing the path of your life

Mar 26, 2026

Or

Sometimes you must clear all the crap out before you can close an old door and open a new one

After living here for over thirty years, I left Burbank. I made the decision to sell my home of decades, the home I thought I wouldn’t leave, and I left.

I have dug up roots I thought were permanent. It is a complete and final evolution of a path I have followed for the past ten years. A path that was devoted to community service and activism and fighting to make things better for as many people as possible. That path has now made an unexpected curve into a different direction.

Why did I make this dramatic change?

1 - When I bought my house in 1994, it was perfect for me. I travelled on business all the time and needed to be close to Burbank Airport. I was home just evenings and some of the weekends so a small house was easy to maintain and I didn’t need much space. Even when I retired in 2014, I was out and about more than home – I was involved in all kinds of events and projects, went hiking with my dogs, went on vacations, etc.

In 2025 I made the decision to be at home, to detach from 99% of my commitments and center myself on myself and staying safe and sane amid the madness of our nation and world. My dogs are elderly and I need to make sure they are happy and healthy. I quickly found that my house was … really small. There is no space to start a hobby, no room to expand and every area was about as full as it can be. Plus I lived on a busy residential street corner that is filled with commuter traffic that has gotten so much worse since the pandemic with 90% of the drivers blasting through the stop signs. I was also concerned about how many dogs were attacked by other dogs in the neighborhood who had crappy and irresponsible owners. I didn’t feel safe walking in the area.

I was burned out by all the time and energy and personal investment I made through my nonprofit board commitments since 2016 and realized that, as I am turning 65 in 2026, I needed to look at whatever time I have left and decide how to spend it while I am healthy and able. Having a house that was bigger and had the capacity to allow me to fulfill what I want to do for myself was a solution. I could explore new interests and relax and just breathe. Also for the first time in my life I would not be focused on satisfying the expectations of an employer, taking care of my elderly and ill parents, and having my time and energy completely committed to the needs of others. I could slow down and explore and think and read and center myself really and truly for the first time in these 65 years. To do all that I needed to be in a completely new environment.

On that note…

2 – What about Burbank? (I hear you ask). You were so devoted to making Burbank better.

Well, at the same time I realized I needed a new home, I also finally understood that my love affair with Burbank was an entirely dysfunctional relationship that I needed to break off. I felt love towards my city and wanted to show that love by bringing joy and helping others. In return I received hostility and anger. I was fought every step of the way by those who have the power to make Burbank better and who saw my efforts as a threat to their power.

Let me elaborate. When I approached most Burbank nonprofits to support them, my calls were not returned. When I sponsored events, it was made clear by how I and my guests were treated that we were not welcomed at their “galas”. This happened repeatedly.

The President of a local women’s group sought me out and invited me to join. We had several long conversations and I told her that when I termed out of several commitments I would join. When the time came, I applied to be a member and went to my first meeting, I said hello to her, and her response was that she ignored me. She pretended not only that we never met but that she had no idea who I am. As for the other members, their behavior was out of middle school and they made it clear that I was not part of their clique. I was pushed away from helping no matter how much I volunteered. I realized joining was a huge mistake.

My nonprofit, Elevate Burbank, had the goal of an annual festival that would be free for the community. Our Board had members who were lifetime Burbank residents. When we met with City staff to discuss our plans, these Board members/residents were shocked by the overt hostility shown towards them by staff as soon as the meeting began. They couldn’t understand why the City saw us as the enemy.

Here is the bottom line: I had the time, effort, skills and means to devote to help the City and all these organizations in many ways and on many levels. The hostility from those who could have had me work with them on their own goals, not mine, came through loud and clear. So I say to those people, you win. After fighting so hard for so many years to help, I give up.

Before you accuse me of paranoia, the effects of this toxic culture can be seen clearly in a widespread way in Burbank if you simply look. This is a level of dysfunction that has already damaged and discouraged so much potential over time and will continue unabated. People wonder why Burbank doesn’t have the variety of events, the celebrations, the number and diversity of nonprofits, the support and encouragement to prosper that other similar sized cities have. For example, Altadena has less than half the population than Burbank but, even with last year’s devastation, that city has a thriving cultural and nonprofit events scene that puts Burbank to shame. Why are there so few events other than the same ones you see every year, why are most big events totally controlled by the City, why do some organizations get such strong support for years and other and newer ones struggle. It is because of this culture. Why is it always the same people and organizations who are sponsors of nonprofit events? It’s because those of us who can and would donate and are not considered an insider are pushed away. There is a weird obsession with power and control that these people will keep until they are gone because it is their whole identity. One example is someone who used his connections with Burbank PD to have them harass me because I dared to disagree with him on something. These are the same people that publicly whine about how Burbank is changing and they want it to be like it was when they were kids 50 and 60 years ago. This anger at change produces this intense and toxic culture that blocks any efforts to improve Burbank. And this toxicity is so ingrained that I have no hope that this will change.

Why is it so ingrained? Let’s point out the cronyism and nepotism that has long been a part of the City and its staff as well as most of the City organizations. That itself creates a clique mentality that sees “outsiders” as a threat. But there is another side to this.

Years ago I worked in an office building with nine floors. My office was on the 9th floor, IBM was on the 8th floor and the other floors were CIGNA. One day three young CIGNA employees were in the back of an elevator and I was in the front standing next to a man who worked for IBM. The three in the back were bitterly complaining about a co-worker. Their conclusion that they loudly exclaimed was that “he was too good at his job”. They left the elevator and the man next to me immediately turned to me and, with a look of complete shock, said “TOO GOOD??? TOO GOOD??” I replied, well if you are too good you make me look bad. He shook his head and exited at his floor.

And that is Burbank. When you hire and support people based on connections and not merit, you end up with mediocrity rather than excellence. I have seen some outstanding people recently hired by the City and of course they don’t stay long as they see Burbank as a stepping stone to better opportunities, which they should. It is not a final stop for excellence.

There was a recent thread in the Burbank Reddit group about how so many were blindsided by massive increases in their BWP bills. The excuse they all received from BWP was that the BWP meter system wasn’t working and now it is so they are “catching up” with energy and water used. I received that explanation once. It makes no sense and BWP throws this on people without warning. It’s irresponsible and shows that this City really doesn’t care what residents think or what happens when they crush someone’s monthly budget simply because they can. They get away with it as there are no guardrails or accountability and mediocre planning is the norm.

For most of my years in Burbank, Public Works had a rule that residents were forbidden from putting out the blue and green cans for pick up unless they were completely full. Once I dared to put out a blue can that was 2/3 full. My can received a permanent large, colorful and obnoxious sticker on top warning me that putting out a blue container that was less than full would not be tolerated. Yet they made money off the contents and the trash truck would have stopped at my house anyway. This was just a power trip and the point was to let residents know that we answer to the City, not vice versa.

There is another consequence to all this that I must point out. When you have a culture that consists of mediocre people populating the halls of power, it is an invitation to be invaded by grifters. People see that there are few if any guardrails. And it’s not that people in power don’t see the grifts taking place, it’s that they want you to think that they don’t know. Because if they know what is happening then they could be held responsible. Look at the reaction of the BUSD Board when Char Tabet was finally publicly exposed as corrupt. They reacted with the same hostility and rage and arrogance and defiance toward the public that I have described being my experience. So many were shocked by their reaction but I wasn’t. Their arrogance and lack of leadership is Burbank’s culture.

As my profile rose in Burbank over the past 5-6 years, I was targeted by grifters. And while some had the goal of making money off me, others were grifting off my hard work to get the credit, the attention, the connections, the inside information and publicity that was generated. Some flat out plagiarized me without credit. And most if not all these people are in positions of prestige in the community. Once I stopped that hard work, all these people simply disappeared from my life and moved on to the next target they could find. It all became so tiring and discouraging. This part of the culture, the intense grifting, was in place before I moved to Burbank in 1994 and it will remain what Burbank is as the years go by. Maybe there is a point when it will all pivot into something better. But I don’t think I would still around by the time that happens.

And that ends my rant. Now that I have moved this crap out of the way, it is no longer my burden. The old door is closed and the new door is open The healthy thing to do is move on and so now I will.

Now I look towards the future with a full heart. Sometimes a wave of happiness and satisfaction suddenly strikes me and I pause what I am doing so I can feel it fully and appreciate it. My dogs no longer have the stress of living next to a busy street full of people with aggressive dogs walking by. We live at the end of a cul de sac so there is no traffic to bring noise and drama and concern. They sleep better and eat better and it is clear they are so much happier in their new peaceful life. We go for long walks around our quiet neighborhood or hang out in the backyard next to the pool and just relax.

The most interesting thing for me is how my mindset quickly transitioned to a new place and new future. I found myself looking at mementos from the past differently. I gave bags and bags of stuff to thrift stores before I moved. Now that I am here, I am seeing how my life is going to be and how so much of my past and memories of the past have no place in it. I had even more bags of stuff to give than before I moved. Things I looked at a few weeks ago and thought, I like this, I might need this, this has a memory - now I look at it and go nope, no need, no use, no meaning that matters, no reason to keep. It’s time to move on.

It’s like the weight of so much has been lifted from me. We hang on to things because we assign a meaning. Sometimes the meaning is not a healthy one for us. Now I see how easy it can be to choose a different meaning to all these things. And it can be uplifting and liberating and so healthy to make a new choice. We can redefine ourselves through these simple choices. I have lost weight due eating less and moving more as I organize the house into what I want it to be. We are next to a park so the only outside noise we hear sometimes are the laughs and happy yells of kids playing. We moved less than three miles away but now live in a completely different world.

I won’t be getting involved in local politics like before because local here in Studio City means something very different than it does in Burbank. Also, things function very well here. The park is maintained beautifully, the streets are clean and safe and for the first time ever I am walking distance to a small and lovely shopping area. My dogs have more sweet dog friends here than ever before and they are thrilled about that. I am slowly making friends here as well as I am not in a hurry. This is where I plan to be for good so I have time.

I bought a birdhouse many years ago and hung it in my backyard on my favorite myrtle tree, a tree that I planted myself. The birdhouse was never occupied by the birds in my yard but that was ok, I thought it was pretty and enjoyed seeing it.

When I moved into the new house, our new home, one of the first things I did was hang that birdhouse in our backyard which is filled with trees and flowers and birds and butterflies. Within a week the birdhouse was occupied and a nest was built and ready. This said to me simply and clearly and beautifully that my choice was the right choice and best choice and this is where we belong.

 

3/26/26