Let's Talk About ... the passage of time and passing time

I taught myself how to read when I was very young and from that moment on I was a voracious reader. I loved reading and being absorbed in stories and meeting all kinds of people through books and having a window into their lives. It was an escape I needed from constant bullying and abuse at school and at home and it kept me going, it gave me something beyond myself and my world.

I don’t remember most of the books I read in my childhood but a few are permanently imprinted on me. One is “A Lantern in Her Hand” by Bess Streeter Aldrich. It was published in 1928 and I read it in the 1960’s so it was already dated by then. The book is about Abbie, a character that the author based on her mother, and describes her life starting after the Civil War when she settles and lives in the Nebraska plains with her new husband. She leaves behind a possible life devoted to her main passion of singing, and her voice was good enough that she could have had a singing career.

The novel has a Little House on the Prairie path in that it describes their struggles working the land and surviving through farming. It emphasizes how Abbie devoted herself to raising their children. The children grow up and they all move away as none of them want to be farmers like their father and they see a world full of opportunities. At the end of the book, Abbie looks back at her life and finally realizes how she gave up her passion and identity for her children. She tries to sing but finds she has lost her beautiful, perfect voice; it is permanently gone.

What affected me as a child was understanding that that Abbie had lost herself. She had a passion that was her identity and she chose to walk away from that. The book ends with the message that Abbie’s contribution to the world was her children and she can live vicariously through her children (after all, this was written by the daughter about her mother). I rejected that message even though I wasn’t even a teenager yet. That’s why I remember reading the book and my strong reaction to it. I became very emotional reading how Abbie stood outside, alone on the farm, and realized her voice was literally gone. I had read about all her challenges through poverty and struggles through decades. Then at the end of her life I felt her sense of emptiness and loss at who she was after enduring all of that. Even though I was a child, I felt the passage of time through Abbie’s life. It was hard for me to accept that all that time could pass, decades of life, an entire life, and it would end with only emptiness.

I realize now that reading novels like “A Lantern in Her Hand” shaped me in ways I never before understood. I decided at the end of my 20’s that I did not want to be a mother. Maybe that’s because I could see Abbie’s sacrifice in the lives of the women I knew at that time who became mothers. Every 10 years I would switch my life onto a different path, first through making different career choices and then through exploring all kinds of new things once I retired. It was really all one path that I forged to find myself and become someone who I wanted to be and to be myself without limits.

Of course, in the corporate world being defined by others is inescapable. Unfortunately too many feel threatened by someone striving to go beyond the baseline and reaching their full potential. That’s one of the reasons I retired so young. It was the only way I could find out what I could accomplish on my own terms.

And now I am 65 years old and I feel the passage of time. I think about those I knew over the course of my life and become curious what paths they chose. I wonder what time has done to them, has it been kind or cruel. There are those who are exactly what they were when I knew them back in the 1980’s or 90’s or 2000’s. One of the main lessons from looking back is that people stay the same. As the saying goes, people don’t change, they reveal themselves.

Most people are joyful having lives raising children and having domesticity and living a life that I decided was not for me. They haven’t had the need to create an independent path to find themselves like I have had. Maybe that’s because I was unable for many reasons to truly explore what I could do and be during my childhood. I was withdrawn within myself to protect myself and was never encouraged to do more than that or be more than that. It takes a shitload of time to shed that protective skin and to heal from the inside out. It takes an effort that can go on for decades, sometimes a lifetime.

And so I have spent time over the decades working towards this goal of knowing myself and being myself with full confidence. But there comes a point when it becomes unavoidably clear that this journey has an end. Mortality becomes palpable. I think I felt this in my reaction as a child to “A Lantern in Her Hand” even if I didn’t understand it. Time is limited and, to paraphrase Mary Oliver, what have you done with your one precious life?

Time passes and we have to decide for ourselves what we want our lives to be, what for each of us is experiencing life through that time. I feel right now that I am ready, for the first time, to simply pass the time. I have never done that before or chosen that before but now it feels right. Part of this is finally accepting that being in the moment without the pressure to achieve is also experiencing life.

I keep thinking that maybe it’s time to come full circle. Maybe right now I need to withdraw into myself like when I was a child. Perhaps what I need is to read books and contemplate and observe the world rather than push myself to take action and engage to try to change or save it. I have no idea how much longer my journey will be. I have good genes; my grandparents and father lived until their late 80’s and even 90, and my mother died in her early 80’s. So maybe I can give myself a break from the pressure to feel responsible to engage and achieve for now. I don’t have to feel that somehow I am breaking a rule. I won’t spend each day being focused on accomplishing as much as possible so that I can feel like I am living to my potential. I can be content with simply passing time in the company of my dogs, reading and watching movies and sipping tea and just being. Let’s see how that goes.

 

Let’s talk about … it’s time to put the past in the past

Dec 29, 2023

When I was a child there was a strip mall at the corner of Westwood Blvd and Pico Blvd in West LA which was a unique thing in the 60’s and 70’s. That strip mall was where my family spent a lot of time – we bought groceries at Vons, shopped at May Co, ate at Manning’s Cafeteria, and went to the Newberry’s, Sav On, small clothing store and bookstore. We saw movies at the glorious Pickwood Theater. There was a Blue Chip Stamps Redemption Center (google it). Our family optometrist was in that mall. When Dr. Feigenbaum told us that the strip mall would be torn down to make an indoor mall, we were so excited when he said it would include a Nordstrom.

https://youtu.be/FlZDrisA3Q4?si=pvnBuIJik80hINyC

Here is the wonderful “LA in a minute” to give a history of the Westside Pavilion

Westside Pavilion was great – lots of shopping and good restaurants to choose from. But like most malls it eventually began to die. The stores and restaurants closed and there was no longer any reason to go.

It was going to become offices like the Sherman Oaks Galleria, but that didn’t happen. Now UCLA is buying it. And then I guess we will see what happens after that. But that place is not where I spent part of my childhood. It is a different place and has been for quite a while.

I realized recently that I was an extremely sentimental person. I say “was” because this realization included the understanding that being sentimental is not necessarily a good thing. I hung on to relationships based on memories of past interactions rather than face a reality that the person was toxic. I became emotional about places and things that no longer exist. I have come to understand that I considered those past places, etc. to be more a part of my identity than what I do and who I am in the present. That’s not good and it is not healthy.

I look around and I see people, especially in Burbank, become very emotional in a negative way about change. If there is one thing I have learned, one fact that I share, it is this:

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

By putting more value on what was rather than on what is and will be, we choose to fail. We fail ourselves; we fail our city; we fail our children and grandchildren and those who will follow.

Yes, buildings are being torn down. Restaurants close, businesses move, priorities and habits change. There are those who think that clinging to those past priorities and habits are a good thing. It is not, it is being sentimental and it ignores the fact that everything changes. When we lose the ability to adapt or even the willingness to adapt, we lose any chance of helping to shape a future of Burbank that is as good as it can be. These emotional pleas to block change are the most destructive action one can take regarding the future of Burbank. Because what they are trying to do is completely prevent a vital and complex conversation about envisioning a 21st Century Burbank from taking place.

So many have the point of view of “I got mine, I don’t care about others. I grew up and lived in the best possible world and will block progress to keep an illusion that this world is still here when in reality no longer exists. And I do this based on my sentimental stubbornness.”

We hear this type of thinking over and over in Burbank in response to many issues we are facing today. The fact is, we are facing so many critical issues now because those who had power and control chose to ignore these issues for decades. They were not concerned about the future, only about preserving the past. As a result, we are now paying a steep price in many ways and on many levels.

Having a younger City Council has helped push our local government into finally listening to concerns about issues that were long ignored, issues that are now exploding into view. This is not ageism; as someone in her 60’s, I want to hear from people in their 30’s and 40’s about the challenges they face living in Burbank. They are aware of technology and its complicated effects; they understand how lifestyles are changing; and they embrace change as the change they advocate is a result of their goals and vision of the future. Their definition of “quality of life”, something that City Council lists as a goal to preserve, needs to be part of this important discussion. Because they are the future of Burbank.

I recently told a friend that legacies are overrated.

People think a legacy is something you do that is remembered by the generations after you and that it is the closest they can get to immortality. “I want to leave a legacy!” they exclaim.

Here is one reason why I say legacies are overrated. Out of all the companies I have worked for in my life, all the employers I have had, 95% of them no longer exist. They went out of business or were absorbed by another company. Everything that had been created was gone.

How many people under the age of 60 have heard of Carter Hawley Hale? It was the largest retailer on the West Coast and the 6th largest in the country. But that was back in the 70’s and 80’s. By 1991, it was bankrupt and gone – “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.” Why be maudlin about a mismanaged conglomerate? Because thousands of people devoted themselves for decades to its success. I was one of them. Until I realized that this was a company that was not going to survive. It was clear to me, a lowly Intimate Apparel manager in her 20’s. But not to those who ran the company.  Because I was focused on the future and they were not, they were focused on profits and stock prices and how much they made. Another example of “I’ve got mine”. And they did not see what was in front of them until it was too late.

So, Dear Burbank, it’s time to stop demanding that we have a Burbank like how it used to be, like how it was when you were a kid. It’s time to “put away childish things and leave behind the ways of childhood”. The places from my childhood, and from most people’s childhoods, are gone.

Adults accept responsibility and it’s time we as a city accept ours. Look around and see what we actually need to remain a healthy, vibrant, and wonderful place to live. The answers to all that are not in the past, they are in the present and future.

One last thing – I hear people say “back in the 1970’s I was able to do THIS and so the young people today need to do the same thing”.

So … when you were young in the 1970’s and people from the 1920’s and 1930’s talked about what they did when they were young, was that the same thing that you wanted to do and did?

Have a safe, joyous and wonderful 2024.

12/29/23