Let's Talk About ... the passage of time and passing time

I taught myself how to read when I was very young and from that moment on I was a voracious reader. I loved reading and being absorbed in stories and meeting all kinds of people through books and having a window into their lives. It was an escape I needed from constant bullying and abuse at school and at home and it kept me going, it gave me something beyond myself and my world.

I don’t remember most of the books I read in my childhood but a few are permanently imprinted on me. One is “A Lantern in Her Hand” by Bess Streeter Aldrich. It was published in 1928 and I read it in the 1960’s so it was already dated by then. The book is about Abbie, a character that the author based on her mother, and describes her life starting after the Civil War when she settles and lives in the Nebraska plains with her new husband. She leaves behind a possible life devoted to her main passion of singing, and her voice was good enough that she could have had a singing career.

The novel has a Little House on the Prairie path in that it describes their struggles working the land and surviving through farming. It emphasizes how Abbie devoted herself to raising their children. The children grow up and they all move away as none of them want to be farmers like their father and they see a world full of opportunities. At the end of the book, Abbie looks back at her life and finally realizes how she gave up her passion and identity for her children. She tries to sing but finds she has lost her beautiful, perfect voice; it is permanently gone.

What affected me as a child was understanding that that Abbie had lost herself. She had a passion that was her identity and she chose to walk away from that. The book ends with the message that Abbie’s contribution to the world was her children and she can live vicariously through her children (after all, this was written by the daughter about her mother). I rejected that message even though I wasn’t even a teenager yet. That’s why I remember reading the book and my strong reaction to it. I became very emotional reading how Abbie stood outside, alone on the farm, and realized her voice was literally gone. I had read about all her challenges through poverty and struggles through decades. Then at the end of her life I felt her sense of emptiness and loss at who she was after enduring all of that. Even though I was a child, I felt the passage of time through Abbie’s life. It was hard for me to accept that all that time could pass, decades of life, an entire life, and it would end with only emptiness.

I realize now that reading novels like “A Lantern in Her Hand” shaped me in ways I never before understood. I decided at the end of my 20’s that I did not want to be a mother. Maybe that’s because I could see Abbie’s sacrifice in the lives of the women I knew at that time who became mothers. Every 10 years I would switch my life onto a different path, first through making different career choices and then through exploring all kinds of new things once I retired. It was really all one path that I forged to find myself and become someone who I wanted to be and to be myself without limits.

Of course, in the corporate world being defined by others is inescapable. Unfortunately too many feel threatened by someone striving to go beyond the baseline and reaching their full potential. That’s one of the reasons I retired so young. It was the only way I could find out what I could accomplish on my own terms.

And now I am 65 years old and I feel the passage of time. I think about those I knew over the course of my life and become curious what paths they chose. I wonder what time has done to them, has it been kind or cruel. There are those who are exactly what they were when I knew them back in the 1980’s or 90’s or 2000’s. One of the main lessons from looking back is that people stay the same. As the saying goes, people don’t change, they reveal themselves.

Most people are joyful having lives raising children and having domesticity and living a life that I decided was not for me. They haven’t had the need to create an independent path to find themselves like I have had. Maybe that’s because I was unable for many reasons to truly explore what I could do and be during my childhood. I was withdrawn within myself to protect myself and was never encouraged to do more than that or be more than that. It takes a shitload of time to shed that protective skin and to heal from the inside out. It takes an effort that can go on for decades, sometimes a lifetime.

And so I have spent time over the decades working towards this goal of knowing myself and being myself with full confidence. But there comes a point when it becomes unavoidably clear that this journey has an end. Mortality becomes palpable. I think I felt this in my reaction as a child to “A Lantern in Her Hand” even if I didn’t understand it. Time is limited and, to paraphrase Mary Oliver, what have you done with your one precious life?

Time passes and we have to decide for ourselves what we want our lives to be, what for each of us is experiencing life through that time. I feel right now that I am ready, for the first time, to simply pass the time. I have never done that before or chosen that before but now it feels right. Part of this is finally accepting that being in the moment without the pressure to achieve is also experiencing life.

I keep thinking that maybe it’s time to come full circle. Maybe right now I need to withdraw into myself like when I was a child. Perhaps what I need is to read books and contemplate and observe the world rather than push myself to take action and engage to try to change or save it. I have no idea how much longer my journey will be. I have good genes; my grandparents and father lived until their late 80’s and even 90, and my mother died in her early 80’s. So maybe I can give myself a break from the pressure to feel responsible to engage and achieve for now. I don’t have to feel that somehow I am breaking a rule. I won’t spend each day being focused on accomplishing as much as possible so that I can feel like I am living to my potential. I can be content with simply passing time in the company of my dogs, reading and watching movies and sipping tea and just being. Let’s see how that goes.

 

Let’s talk about … the most important thing I have ever done

Let’s talk about … the most important thing I have ever done

by | May 6, 2024 | Let's Talk About

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I spent the first four months of this year doing the most important thing I’ve ever done. Now, to be clear, up to this point I have felt that I have done a lot of important things. My career in evaluating medical malpractice cases meant I decided whether a case should go to trial or be settled. Those decisions affected many people’s lives in very significant ways and I always strove to make those decisions ethically and fairly. Those cases were never about how to save money, they were about doing the right thing and I was fortunate to work for people who had the same priority and values.

My political activism has also been important although the results of that work can be difficult to gage as it takes so much time and so much repeating of effort to get that final result that also affects lives.

My volunteer work has been important as well. This particular achievement, the one I am referring to, has been the most important project I have done as a volunteer.

Two years ago, I became Board Chair of Valley Community Healthcare, a community clinic that provides no and low-cost healthcare to everyone regardless of ability to pay. VCH treats 20,000 – 30,000 patients of all ages every year. It has been serving the public in North Hollywood and North Hills for 54 years and in this time of political, social and economic uncertainty, VCH is a resource that is so crucial for our entire community.

The CEO of VCH is retiring this summer and as Board Chair it was my responsibility to lead the search for her replacement. This process actually began last summer as I learned about how an executive search process works. It also meant conducting interviews with the help of a consultant of people who work at VCH, work with VCH, people who donate and volunteer and have all kinds of relationships with VCH. Because the most challenging portion of this search was going to be knowing not just who we could be searching for but exactly who we needed to be searching for. That could mean redefining the role of the VCH CEO. We needed the input of all these different people in order to do that.

We needed someone who would not only embrace the mission of VCH, and have the skill set to successful manage a healthcare center, but also be able to create a future version that would withstand change and survive. Someone who had the vision – yeah “that vision thing” – to imagine what could be and not just see what is. To anticipate challenges and not just respond.

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As I progress through my 60’s I have gained the understanding that the world I grew up in and the world that existed through the first decades of my adulthood no longer exists. It is now a world that belongs to and is shaped by and should be determined by those much younger than me. And it was so crucial for me, as a leader, and for the Search Committee that I formed and the Board who made the hiring decision, to understand that this really was about deciding the future of this organization. It was not just finding someone to fill a job; it was much more than that. The challenges that this new CEO will face have yet to appear but the right person will be able to handle them in this 21st century world.

So since January I have been working basically full time on this project. I wasn’t alone, thankfully, I had a consultant to help guide and a fantastic search firm who did an amazing job. We had almost 500 people from around the country apply for the job when the job was posted at the beginning of the year. And then we narrowed and narrowed and narrowed.

We had 3 finalists who were wonderful and qualified and it was a dilemma – each of them made the decision so very hard. Yet a decision had to be made and we made it as a group, confidently and with sensitivity, objectivity and dedication to what was possible for VCH now and going forward.

And I know that tens of thousands of people now in 2024, and then their children, and then even their grandchildren, will have access to healthcare that will save and change and improve their lives. I played a major role in making this happen. I hope my work to create the beginning of a great future for VCH benefits not just VCH but also all those in the San Fernando Valley who are in need, those who would not otherwise have access to healthcare. Because that’s all that matters.

I wrote recently here about how legacies are overrated. But I feel my work on this search and its successful outcome is my legacy. This is one that makes all the different to thousands of people who will never know anything about me and the role I played in their lives. And that suits me just fine.

5/6/24

 

Let’s talk about … it’s time to put the past in the past

Let’s talk about … it’s time to put the past in the past

by | Dec 29, 2023 | Let's Talk About

When I was a child there was a strip mall at the corner of Westwood Blvd and Pico Blvd in West LA which was a unique thing in the 60’s and 70’s. That strip mall was where my family spent a lot of time – we bought groceries at Vons, shopped at May Co, ate at Manning’s Cafeteria, and went to the Newberry’s, Sav On, small clothing store and bookstore. We saw movies at the glorious Pickwood Theater. There was a Blue Chip Stamps Redemption Center (google it). Our family optometrist was in that mall. When Dr. Feigenbaum told us that the strip mall would be torn down to make an indoor mall, we were so excited when he said it would include a Nordstrom.

https://youtu.be/FlZDrisA3Q4?si=pvnBuIJik80hINyC

Here is the wonderful “LA in a minute” to give a history of the Westside Pavilion

Westside Pavilion was great – lots of shopping and good restaurants to choose from. But like most malls it eventually began to die. The stores and restaurants closed and there was no longer any reason to go.

It was going to become offices like the Sherman Oaks Galleria, but that didn’t happen. Now UCLA is buying it. And then I guess we will see what happens after that. But that place is not where I spent part of my childhood. It is a different place and has been for quite a while.

I realized recently that I was an extremely sentimental person. I say “was” because this realization included the understanding that being sentimental is not necessarily a good thing. I hung on to relationships based on memories of past interactions rather than face a reality that the person was toxic. I became emotional about places and things that no longer exist. I have come to understand that I considered those past places, etc. to be more a part of my identity than what I do and who I am in the present. That’s not good and it is not healthy.

I look around and I see people, especially in Burbank, become very emotional in a negative way about change. If there is one thing I have learned, one fact that I share, it is this:

Everything changes, nothing stays the same.

By putting more value on what was rather than on what is and will be, we choose to fail. We fail ourselves; we fail our city; we fail our children and grandchildren and those who will follow.

Yes, buildings are being torn down. Restaurants close, businesses move, priorities and habits change. There are those who think that clinging to those past priorities and habits are a good thing. It is not, it is being sentimental and it ignores the fact that everything changes. When we lose the ability to adapt or even the willingness to adapt, we lose any chance of helping to shape a future of Burbank that is as good as it can be. These emotional pleas to block change are the most destructive action one can take regarding the future of Burbank. Because what they are trying to do is completely prevent a vital and complex conversation about envisioning a 21st Century Burbank from taking place.

So many have the point of view of “I got mine, I don’t care about others. I grew up and lived in the best possible world and will block progress to keep an illusion that this world is still here when in reality no longer exists. And I do this based on my sentimental stubbornness.”

We hear this type of thinking over and over in Burbank in response to many issues we are facing today. The fact is, we are facing so many critical issues now because those who had power and control chose to ignore these issues for decades. They were not concerned about the future, only about preserving the past. As a result, we are now paying a steep price in many ways and on many levels.

Having a younger City Council has helped push our local government into finally listening to concerns about issues that were long ignored, issues that are now exploding into view. This is not ageism; as someone in her 60’s, I want to hear from people in their 30’s and 40’s about the challenges they face living in Burbank. They are aware of technology and its complicated effects; they understand how lifestyles are changing; and they embrace change as the change they advocate is a result of their goals and vision of the future. Their definition of “quality of life”, something that City Council lists as a goal to preserve, needs to be part of this important discussion. Because they are the future of Burbank.

I recently told a friend that legacies are overrated.

People think a legacy is something you do that is remembered by the generations after you and that it is the closest they can get to immortality. “I want to leave a legacy!” they exclaim.

Here is one reason why I say legacies are overrated. Out of all the companies I have worked for in my life, all the employers I have had, 95% of them no longer exist. They went out of business or were absorbed by another company. Everything that had been created was gone.

How many people under the age of 60 have heard of Carter Hawley Hale? It was the largest retailer on the West Coast and the 6th largest in the country. But that was back in the 70’s and 80’s. By 1991, it was bankrupt and gone – “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain.” Why be maudlin about a mismanaged conglomerate? Because thousands of people devoted themselves for decades to its success. I was one of them. Until I realized that this was a company that was not going to survive. It was clear to me, a lowly Intimate Apparel manager in her 20’s. But not to those who ran the company.  Because I was focused on the future and they were not, they were focused on profits and stock prices and how much they made. Another example of “I’ve got mine”. And they did not see what was in front of them until it was too late.

So, Dear Burbank, it’s time to stop demanding that we have a Burbank like how it used to be, like how it was when you were a kid. It’s time to “put away childish things and leave behind the ways of childhood”. The places from my childhood, and from most people’s childhoods, are gone.

Adults accept responsibility and it’s time we as a city accept ours. Look around and see what we actually need to remain a healthy, vibrant, and wonderful place to live. The answers to all that are not in the past, they are in the present and future.

One last thing – I hear people say “back in the 1970’s I was able to do THIS and so the young people today need to do the same thing”.

So … when you were young in the 1970’s and people from the 1920’s and 1930’s talked about what they did when they were young, was that the same thing that you wanted to do and did?

Have a safe, joyous and wonderful 2024.

12/29/23

Let’s talk about … History kicking our asses

Let’s talk about … History kicking our asses

by | Oct 23, 2023 | Let's Talk About

My grandfather was born before the end of the 19th century.

I was born less than 20 years after the end of World War II and 6 years after the murder of Emmett Till.

History is not the past. History is part of the present in who we are and how we live. It is there in every aspect of the lives we lead. History affects our lives in countless ways and we are in denial about it. And as a result, History is kicking our ass.

My father was born in Brooklyn and was the son of a hat maker (a profession that barely exists today). Dad served in the Army (there was a draft, remember) and went to UCLA on the GI Bill so he went to college for free. He majored in Accounting, became a CPA and had a tremendously successful career.

He grew up in a time where our country was determined to be prosperous (for white people, of course). As a result of the economic collapse that had happened in the 1920’s (which was his present, your History), there were strict banking and other regulations in place to ensure stability. There was a nationwide housing boom resulting in plentiful and inexpensive housing. There were massive investments in infrastructure such as highways, schools, and community growth. And, of course, free or very inexpensive college tuition

A family could do well on one income – have a house, a car, and a permanent place in a community. My father was a brilliant man; he began his adult life at a time when this country created conditions for prosperity and stability that offered opportunities for him to excel and succeed.

I grew up in a time, like him, where the conditions were there to enable my path. There was political turbulence – the Cold War, Vietnam War, Watergate, etc. But I was still able, right out of college, to find a cheap apartment in Tarzana that, with a roommate, I could afford while making a barely above minimum wage salary. I could fill my Datsun 210 with gas and not worry about making rent or affording food. Eventually I obtained a secretarial position (in those days they were not called assistants) and made enough as a secretary to afford my own apartment in Van Nuys.

Not only was I always able to find a job, I was able to sort through all kinds of options. Most important, the economy offered me a way to eventually find a job that I was passionate about and would pay enough for me to buy a house here in Burbank.

I did work my ass off to earn what I gained. But now, looking through the eyes of History, I realize how much my success was due to the economic and social circumstances that allowed my hard work to result in economic success. And I also see that this path no longer exists for those younger than me. These changed conditions mean a lack of opportunity for those who work just as hard, who are just as brilliant and want stability and prosperity as well.

That void is at the heart of what is tearing this country apart.

So many willfully ignore how History benefited them; the fact that during the time that they started and lived their lives, there were certain conditions and benefits that created opportunities and cleared paths. But they purposely work to eliminate and keep eliminating those same benefits for others. They insist these benefits and conditions are no longer necessary and, even worse, think that if these previous conditions that benefitted them are given to others, this will mean they lose. And they will fight to the death to keep those benefits from returning. They willfully ignore how History warns them how those battles always turn out. History will kick their asses but also the asses of millions more before the inevitable conclusion arrives.

There is another very important way that we are ignoring History.

I look around and it all seems so overwhelming. That’s on purpose. Did you learn in History Class about Yellow Journalism? It was created by William Randolph Hearst and his arch-rival, Joseph Pulitzer in the late 19th Century – around the time my grandfather was born.

There is a horrific war in the Middle East right now. The powers that control this conflict want you to be on their side and not the other. They are in a battle for your heart and mind. Does that phrase sound familiar? It was said during the Vietnam War by President Lyndon Johnson about the people of Vietnam:

“The ultimate victory will depend on the hearts and minds of the people who actually live out there”.

(Hearts and Minds was also the name of an Academy Award winning documentary about the Vietnam War made in 1974. More History.)

So when devastating and massive violence occurs – like the massacre of Israelis or the destruction of a hospital in Gaza – the sides on this war fight furiously to control the information you and I receive. Sometimes it is hard to know what is true and accurate. Sometimes we just have to wait for History to tell us what is true. (That’s why right now there is a massive assault on education and how and what History is taught. That battle is actually a battle to determine for us what we see as truth.)

There is so much corruption, so many lies, all with the intent to damage and destroy our sense of stability and reality and connection. The horror, the inhumanity, the insanity, and the way it is being unleashed is not just meant as physical violence. It is intended to crush our spirits. Because if they can’t win our hearts and minds then they want to destroy them. That way these people can retain or gain power because they have taken away our ability to think and choose and resist.

One way to keep from being crushed is to keep learning and remembering History. There were reasons for the French Revolution. Dictators and their regimes fall. All of this insanity is familiar to History. The violence, disinformation, corruption. It seems like it is on a more massive scale than ever before and it is. We as a world are deeply interconnected in ways my grandfather would not live to see and could not have ever imagined. But none of this actually is new.

Want a sign to give you hope? We as a country have embraced one simple phrase right now. I see it come up as part of everything we witness and shows our need to know that there is justice and consequences and meaning. And our satisfaction when the consequences occur.

Fuck Around and Find Out.

History will always tell you the Find Out part ahead of time. You can depend on that.

10/23/23

Let’s Talk About … the perspective of getting older

Let’s Talk About … the perspective of getting older

by | Jul 10, 2023 | Let's Talk About

Last month as I turned 62 I decided it is time for some reflection. My life has always drastically changed every 10 years, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. Since I feel another major life change coming around the corner, it’s time to take a look around.

In the past 30+ years I experienced several career changes, and while I loved my work, all my employers were crappy in how they treated me and others. I traveled, I stopped traveling to take care of my elderly parents, I witnessed both of my parents’ deaths. I retired after they died and just wanted to be able to 1) stop being forced to accept horrible people having power over me (and that applied to my family and personal relationships as well) and 2) stop having to force myself, for the first time in my life, to be someone other than who I am in order to deal with all of that.

As I went through my 50’s I set goals and got a master’s degree and joined several nonprofit boards. I became an activist and realized that most people who joined “the resistance” were like those they condemned and all had agendas beyond what they stated. It was kind of like the end of the Hunger Games when Katniss realizes the new regime’s goal is to only take the place of the old regime. I still fight for change but not as part of any the numerous organizations that email me constantly claiming they alone will save democracy if only I send them money.

Over the past twenty years I worked out with a personal trainer and did Pilates, cardio, weights, spin, kick boxing, regular boxing, yoga, ran 5Ks and did all kinds of things to deal with stress and stay in shape. This exercise did not allow me to overcome two major challenges to my health, both of which took years to figure out and diagnose. One was addressed successfully with medicine, the other with surgery. Now I walk and hike with my dogs and do some low impact You Tube videos to exercise. I actually have less pain and less stress on my body now that I am listening more and pushing less.

I am being a lot gentler with myself these days in many ways. For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to be lazy. I always enjoyed being productive and getting shit done. But now I feel the finite nature of time and interestingly, rather than feeling panicked about that, I understand I need to sit back now and feel the quiet. I want to sit in my backyard with a cool drink and watch my dogs sleep and look at the flowers and feel the breeze.

I am disengaging from situations that do not allow me to feel the quiet and joy and satisfaction of what life can bring. For the first time, my calendar is not chock full and I get to pick and choose how I spend my time. So if you don’t see me around as much in the busy “Burbank” world, know that this is my choice and why that is.

I will still be on the nonprofit Boards and run my nonprofit and care passionately about what happens in my city and to others and will speak out about all of that. I will always care because that is simply who I am and how I am wired. I have always been the pot stirrer. The same pattern always happens – the powers that be like my outspokenness because they can pretend that change happens because of me and they don’t have to take responsibility if it goes wrong. But then when things don’t go wrong and actually get better and they look bad, well, they don’t like the pot stirrer anymore.

Does this mean I don’t want to keep giving back and making good things happen? Absolutely not, that is my passion and reason to be. But if you see me less around town, if I decline invites to events, it is because I want to enjoy the quiet, at least for a while. Because, as usual, I have no idea what is coming next.

7/10/23

Let’s Talk About … paranoia and conspiracies

Let’s Talk About … paranoia and conspiracies

by | Mar 7, 2023 | Let's Talk About

I was an English Literature major in college because I love to read. My favorite authors to study were the 20th Century authors (of course when I went to college it was still the 20th Century).

There were lots of writers whose works I studied and found amazing and challenging but none more than Thomas Pynchon. He is considered a unique writer in how he combines complex plots and themes about American society combined with over-the-top humor. My favorite of his novels is The Crying of Lot 49.

The plot is about a woman named Oedipa Maas whose life is turned upside down when she is named as the executor of her ex-boyfriend’s estate. She discovers mysteries, conspiracies, and secret organizations similar to the Illuminati but instead run as private postal services. It all seems ridiculous and entertaining in the light of 1966 when it was written and in the late 70’s when I read it.

But in many ways, it is not so ridiculous, especially now in 2023. We have millions of people who look for secret clues in the most mundane things and swear that hidden sources can reveal a diabolical evil. As a student, I was told to question whether Oedipa was seeing what was really there or if she had lost her sanity. It is almost as if the Q followers of today long to be Oedipa on her quest to reveal the trail of hidden countercultural societies and conspiracies to control all of us.

But this theme of “reveal the truth about those in power” permeates our culture. Back in the 70’s we had lots of novels and movies about conspiracies – perhaps the real-life conspiracy of Watergate made the pretend more real. Now we have the fantasy movies about Kingsman: The Secret Service, the secret assassin world of John Wick and so on. These are worlds with societies that seem to exist on the same plane as us but that we cannot see, cannot experience, cannot be a part of. But we know these are fantasy worlds. The problem is that there is a growing number of people who are convinced that real secret worlds exist just like these fantasy ones. And those secret worlds are not populated by secret agents or super assassins but people who are threats to them personally. Because those who hold secret power must be the reason their lives are not what they feel they deserve.

We have many systemic problems that are based on hate, racism, greed and very real economic and social victimization such as the school to prison pipeline. But what excuses do you use when you are taught that you are supposed to benefit from our social and economic systems and you feel you have not? There must be a reason why others have what you don’t have, there must be someone or something to blame for why your life is not what you want it to be. There must be someone to hate so you can avoid being responsible for your own life. Or maybe you are just bored and think these delusions will make your life exciting.

The blame mutates into paranoia and turns into fearing those who are different from you.

For all our history, we have been taught that the other is the enemy and must be “eradicated”, even when they are our neighbors and do us no harm. This paranoia and hatred have now gone into overdrive. With the flimsy excuse of “protecting children”, lives are being destroyed while these manipulators especially target the destruction of the lives of children. Those who profit from harvesting and reaping hate and fear keep changing their narratives to find more and more groups to blame for some evil universe that doesn’t exist. At least Oedipa Maas wasn’t ranting about pedophiles.

And then we keep finding that those who do the most blaming and hating are the ones most often committing the crimes they accuse others of doing. Google “youth pastors molesting”.

Are there powerful conspiracies out there that want to harm us? Sure, the Federalist Society comes to mind. These conspiring groups are the ones who have the power and want to ensure they keep the power and the money that comes with it. The harm and danger are not coming from the powerless. Remember, the motto of Google was “don’t be evil” until, well, that didn’t fit their agenda.

I see the pain of my dear friends who are being targeted with their existence being demonized. They agonize and try to process their fear and anger and my heart breaks. Then I remember that as a Jew I am also a target in today’s United States.

How do we stop this downward spiral? I heard today that 39 states now have anti-trans legislation pending. This has now evolved beyond paranoia into full blown fascism.

Don’t look away. Don’t pretend this doesn’t involve you. Don’t deny what is clearly happening. The call is coming from inside the house. It is only when we all accept that this darkness is here and doing battle that we can fight it. Because we can only defeat the paranoia and hate if we unite as one.

3/7/23