by Linda Bessin | Oct 23, 2023 | Let's Talk About
My grandfather was born before the end of the 19th century.
I was born less than 20 years after the end of World War II and 6 years after the murder of Emmett Till.
History is not the past. History is part of the present in who we are and how we live. It is there in every aspect of the lives we lead. History affects our lives in countless ways and we are in denial about it. And as a result, History is kicking our ass.
My father was born in Brooklyn and was the son of a hat maker (a profession that barely exists today). Dad served in the Army (there was a draft, remember) and went to UCLA on the GI Bill so he went to college for free. He majored in Accounting, became a CPA and had a tremendously successful career.
He grew up in a time where our country was determined to be prosperous (for white people, of course). As a result of the economic collapse that had happened in the 1920’s (which was his present, your History), there were strict banking and other regulations in place to ensure stability. There was a nationwide housing boom resulting in plentiful and inexpensive housing. There were massive investments in infrastructure such as highways, schools, and community growth. And, of course, free or very inexpensive college tuition
A family could do well on one income – have a house, a car, and a permanent place in a community. My father was a brilliant man; he began his adult life at a time when this country created conditions for prosperity and stability that offered opportunities for him to excel and succeed.
I grew up in a time, like him, where the conditions were there to enable my path. There was political turbulence – the Cold War, Vietnam War, Watergate, etc. But I was still able, right out of college, to find a cheap apartment in Tarzana that, with a roommate, I could afford while making a barely above minimum wage salary. I could fill my Datsun 210 with gas and not worry about making rent or affording food. Eventually I obtained a secretarial position (in those days they were not called assistants) and made enough as a secretary to afford my own apartment in Van Nuys.
Not only was I always able to find a job, I was able to sort through all kinds of options. Most important, the economy offered me a way to eventually find a job that I was passionate about and would pay enough for me to buy a house here in Burbank.
I did work my ass off to earn what I gained. But now, looking through the eyes of History, I realize how much my success was due to the economic and social circumstances that allowed my hard work to result in economic success. And I also see that this path no longer exists for those younger than me. These changed conditions mean a lack of opportunity for those who work just as hard, who are just as brilliant and want stability and prosperity as well.
That void is at the heart of what is tearing this country apart.
So many willfully ignore how History benefited them; the fact that during the time that they started and lived their lives, there were certain conditions and benefits that created opportunities and cleared paths. But they purposely work to eliminate and keep eliminating those same benefits for others. They insist these benefits and conditions are no longer necessary and, even worse, think that if these previous conditions that benefitted them are given to others, this will mean they lose. And they will fight to the death to keep those benefits from returning. They willfully ignore how History warns them how those battles always turn out. History will kick their asses but also the asses of millions more before the inevitable conclusion arrives.
There is another very important way that we are ignoring History.
I look around and it all seems so overwhelming. That’s on purpose. Did you learn in History Class about Yellow Journalism? It was created by William Randolph Hearst and his arch-rival, Joseph Pulitzer in the late 19th Century – around the time my grandfather was born.
There is a horrific war in the Middle East right now. The powers that control this conflict want you to be on their side and not the other. They are in a battle for your heart and mind. Does that phrase sound familiar? It was said during the Vietnam War by President Lyndon Johnson about the people of Vietnam:
“The ultimate victory will depend on the hearts and minds of the people who actually live out there”.
(Hearts and Minds was also the name of an Academy Award winning documentary about the Vietnam War made in 1974. More History.)
So when devastating and massive violence occurs – like the massacre of Israelis or the destruction of a hospital in Gaza – the sides on this war fight furiously to control the information you and I receive. Sometimes it is hard to know what is true and accurate. Sometimes we just have to wait for History to tell us what is true. (That’s why right now there is a massive assault on education and how and what History is taught. That battle is actually a battle to determine for us what we see as truth.)
There is so much corruption, so many lies, all with the intent to damage and destroy our sense of stability and reality and connection. The horror, the inhumanity, the insanity, and the way it is being unleashed is not just meant as physical violence. It is intended to crush our spirits. Because if they can’t win our hearts and minds then they want to destroy them. That way these people can retain or gain power because they have taken away our ability to think and choose and resist.
One way to keep from being crushed is to keep learning and remembering History. There were reasons for the French Revolution. Dictators and their regimes fall. All of this insanity is familiar to History. The violence, disinformation, corruption. It seems like it is on a more massive scale than ever before and it is. We as a world are deeply interconnected in ways my grandfather would not live to see and could not have ever imagined. But none of this actually is new.
Want a sign to give you hope? We as a country have embraced one simple phrase right now. I see it come up as part of everything we witness and shows our need to know that there is justice and consequences and meaning. And our satisfaction when the consequences occur.
Fuck Around and Find Out.
History will always tell you the Find Out part ahead of time. You can depend on that.
10/23/23
by Linda Bessin | Jul 10, 2023 | Let's Talk About
Last month as I turned 62 I decided it is time for some reflection. My life has always drastically changed every 10 years, sometimes by choice and sometimes not. Since I feel another major life change coming around the corner, it’s time to take a look around.
In the past 30+ years I experienced several career changes, and while I loved my work, all my employers were crappy in how they treated me and others. I traveled, I stopped traveling to take care of my elderly parents, I witnessed both of my parents’ deaths. I retired after they died and just wanted to be able to 1) stop being forced to accept horrible people having power over me (and that applied to my family and personal relationships as well) and 2) stop having to force myself, for the first time in my life, to be someone other than who I am in order to deal with all of that.
As I went through my 50’s I set goals and got a master’s degree and joined several nonprofit boards. I became an activist and realized that most people who joined “the resistance” were like those they condemned and all had agendas beyond what they stated. It was kind of like the end of the Hunger Games when Katniss realizes the new regime’s goal is to only take the place of the old regime. I still fight for change but not as part of any the numerous organizations that email me constantly claiming they alone will save democracy if only I send them money.
Over the past twenty years I worked out with a personal trainer and did Pilates, cardio, weights, spin, kick boxing, regular boxing, yoga, ran 5Ks and did all kinds of things to deal with stress and stay in shape. This exercise did not allow me to overcome two major challenges to my health, both of which took years to figure out and diagnose. One was addressed successfully with medicine, the other with surgery. Now I walk and hike with my dogs and do some low impact You Tube videos to exercise. I actually have less pain and less stress on my body now that I am listening more and pushing less.
I am being a lot gentler with myself these days in many ways. For the first time in my life, I am allowing myself to be lazy. I always enjoyed being productive and getting shit done. But now I feel the finite nature of time and interestingly, rather than feeling panicked about that, I understand I need to sit back now and feel the quiet. I want to sit in my backyard with a cool drink and watch my dogs sleep and look at the flowers and feel the breeze.
I am disengaging from situations that do not allow me to feel the quiet and joy and satisfaction of what life can bring. For the first time, my calendar is not chock full and I get to pick and choose how I spend my time. So if you don’t see me around as much in the busy “Burbank” world, know that this is my choice and why that is.
I will still be on the nonprofit Boards and run my nonprofit and care passionately about what happens in my city and to others and will speak out about all of that. I will always care because that is simply who I am and how I am wired. I have always been the pot stirrer. The same pattern always happens – the powers that be like my outspokenness because they can pretend that change happens because of me and they don’t have to take responsibility if it goes wrong. But then when things don’t go wrong and actually get better and they look bad, well, they don’t like the pot stirrer anymore.
Does this mean I don’t want to keep giving back and making good things happen? Absolutely not, that is my passion and reason to be. But if you see me less around town, if I decline invites to events, it is because I want to enjoy the quiet, at least for a while. Because, as usual, I have no idea what is coming next.
7/10/23
by Linda Bessin | Mar 7, 2023 | Let's Talk About
I was an English Literature major in college because I love to read. My favorite authors to study were the 20th Century authors (of course when I went to college it was still the 20th Century).
There were lots of writers whose works I studied and found amazing and challenging but none more than Thomas Pynchon. He is considered a unique writer in how he combines complex plots and themes about American society combined with over-the-top humor. My favorite of his novels is The Crying of Lot 49.
The plot is about a woman named Oedipa Maas whose life is turned upside down when she is named as the executor of her ex-boyfriend’s estate. She discovers mysteries, conspiracies, and secret organizations similar to the Illuminati but instead run as private postal services. It all seems ridiculous and entertaining in the light of 1966 when it was written and in the late 70’s when I read it.
But in many ways, it is not so ridiculous, especially now in 2023. We have millions of people who look for secret clues in the most mundane things and swear that hidden sources can reveal a diabolical evil. As a student, I was told to question whether Oedipa was seeing what was really there or if she had lost her sanity. It is almost as if the Q followers of today long to be Oedipa on her quest to reveal the trail of hidden countercultural societies and conspiracies to control all of us.
But this theme of “reveal the truth about those in power” permeates our culture. Back in the 70’s we had lots of novels and movies about conspiracies – perhaps the real-life conspiracy of Watergate made the pretend more real. Now we have the fantasy movies about Kingsman: The Secret Service, the secret assassin world of John Wick and so on. These are worlds with societies that seem to exist on the same plane as us but that we cannot see, cannot experience, cannot be a part of. But we know these are fantasy worlds. The problem is that there is a growing number of people who are convinced that real secret worlds exist just like these fantasy ones. And those secret worlds are not populated by secret agents or super assassins but people who are threats to them personally. Because those who hold secret power must be the reason their lives are not what they feel they deserve.
We have many systemic problems that are based on hate, racism, greed and very real economic and social victimization such as the school to prison pipeline. But what excuses do you use when you are taught that you are supposed to benefit from our social and economic systems and you feel you have not? There must be a reason why others have what you don’t have, there must be someone or something to blame for why your life is not what you want it to be. There must be someone to hate so you can avoid being responsible for your own life. Or maybe you are just bored and think these delusions will make your life exciting.
The blame mutates into paranoia and turns into fearing those who are different from you.
For all our history, we have been taught that the other is the enemy and must be “eradicated”, even when they are our neighbors and do us no harm. This paranoia and hatred have now gone into overdrive. With the flimsy excuse of “protecting children”, lives are being destroyed while these manipulators especially target the destruction of the lives of children. Those who profit from harvesting and reaping hate and fear keep changing their narratives to find more and more groups to blame for some evil universe that doesn’t exist. At least Oedipa Maas wasn’t ranting about pedophiles.
And then we keep finding that those who do the most blaming and hating are the ones most often committing the crimes they accuse others of doing. Google “youth pastors molesting”.
Are there powerful conspiracies out there that want to harm us? Sure, the Federalist Society comes to mind. These conspiring groups are the ones who have the power and want to ensure they keep the power and the money that comes with it. The harm and danger are not coming from the powerless. Remember, the motto of Google was “don’t be evil” until, well, that didn’t fit their agenda.
I see the pain of my dear friends who are being targeted with their existence being demonized. They agonize and try to process their fear and anger and my heart breaks. Then I remember that as a Jew I am also a target in today’s United States.
How do we stop this downward spiral? I heard today that 39 states now have anti-trans legislation pending. This has now evolved beyond paranoia into full blown fascism.
Don’t look away. Don’t pretend this doesn’t involve you. Don’t deny what is clearly happening. The call is coming from inside the house. It is only when we all accept that this darkness is here and doing battle that we can fight it. Because we can only defeat the paranoia and hate if we unite as one.
3/7/23
by Linda Bessin | Feb 25, 2023 | Let's Talk About
There are lots of reasons why people become what we call “late bloomers” – we all have our own challenges to overcome to realize our true potential. Some barriers are financial, some are emotional, some are social and so on. And everyone defines “late” in different ways.
I found this post by Ayesha A. Siddiqi named Advice: How Do I Make Up For My Lost Years to be powerful. The person seeking advice from Siddiqi laments having debilitating depression in their 20’s and now, in their 30’s and with the depression under control, they feel like so much time has been lost to them.
What are our expectations for ourselves? What are the expectations that others have for us? My mother had a mindset similar to many in her generation and when I was in my 20’s she pushed me to find a husband and start a family. She was in a panic when I hit my late 20’s without doing either of these. I saw my 20’s as a time to explore the freedom I had just obtained as an adult. Once I did that and got to know myself through doing that, I understood that my mother’s expectations were not mine and my path would be drastically different. In my 20’s I had low paying 9-5 jobs that allowed me my evenings and weekends to enjoy being young in LA in the 1980’s and it was great.
Once I hit 30, I decided that I should stop exploring and start to figure out what I wanted to do when I grew up. I would not have found a career that I loved if I hadn’t “wasted” the previous 10 years. I spent that time determining what I wanted. I then spent my 30’s establishing myself in a career I loved, climbing the company ladder, and deciding my ambitions. Lots of travel was involved – my territory at one point was San Luis Obispo down to San Diego and east to the Arizona border. I flew to the company headquarters monthly and this was all new to me and increased my confidence. There were people around me who started climbing this ladder in their 20’s. But I knew that I would not have been ready then to take on that challenge at that time. I needed to reach the point where I was ready to confront my insecurities rather than agonizing over them.
But there were and still are moments I think if things had been different in my childhood, if I had been raised to have confidence and see an unlimited potential in myself, my life might have been easier or better. Siddiqi slaps that regret and second-guessing out of the way.
Siddiqi has so many gems of wisdom in her post:
“Things take the time they need and happen when they can. There’s nothing “late” or “early” about the timeline of your life unless you were given a call sheet at birth.”
“We all would be different people in different circumstances. And it can be tempting to cope with difficult circumstances by mourning the people we would have been without them. But you cannot organize your days around regret. Despite the ways we’re shaped by trauma, we are more than just what trauma leaves behind … Stop looking for yourself in the past, you don’t live there anymore.”
It is so easy to fall into the “woulda coulda shoulda” mindset. We can let a sense of loss for what might have been possible for us become so overwhelming that we lose sight of what we have today and the potential of tomorrow.
“If there are ways to waste [time], surely regret is one of them. Not because we should live our lives in fear of it (which equally allows it to direct your life), but because it postpones acceptance. It pulls you away from the time you still have available.”
She concludes with this statement, which is basically a way of saying what Cher’s character meant in Moonstruck when she did THIS:
https://youtu.be/0x-fkSYDtUY
(Loretta’s story is a great example of “making up for lost time”.)
“The value you’re seeking to recover from your past exists in the life you’re living now. All you owe is continuing to take good care of yourself. And you owe it to the person who succeeded in the only thing they owed you—they survived.”
I am proud of what I have accomplished and what I hope to still accomplish. But I still find myself thinking about the different paths that might have been open to me if I had been different in this way or that way. I suppose I will have to keep giving myself a Cher Slap. And that’s ok too.
Siddiqi includes this video in her post and it is perfection. If you were a different person then you would not be you. Enjoy and appreciate who you are.
https://youtu.be/95mttyEQyfw
2/25/23
by Linda Bessin | Jan 31, 2023 | Let's Talk About
I went a small women’s liberal arts college in Southern California. When I attended in the late 70’s and early 80’s, the student body consisted primarily of wealthy white young women who were not there to prepare for careers. They drove luxury cars and wore designer clothing and were there to meet other members of the elite. The college had a mocking reputation of granting an “Mrs.” degree, meaning most of the women were there to find an equally wealthy husband. Looking at many of my peers today, it is clear, whether they admitted it then or not, that was indeed what they were there for.
Unlike most of the student body, I worked through my college years and bought my clothing at Army surplus and second-hand stores. I walked where I needed to go and stayed within my means. In return I got a fantastic education and my years in college prepared me for life in ways that I didn’t realize until years later. The professors were accomplished leaders in their fields. I certainly realize and appreciate the quality of the education I received.
While I was there, I was not accepted into that elite world and that suited me just fine. My friends and I welcomed all fellow outcasts to join us at our table in the dining hall and hang out if they wanted to.
There was one young woman I will call Jessie. She was overweight and didn’t shower much. She dressed, well, even worse than I did. She knew she was welcome to be with us and we provided a safe space. But I didn’t quite know what to make of her. While she was smart and creative, her communication skills were not good. The only topic she could only talk about was herself and she did so in a babbling way. Looking back, I now question if she was on the spectrum or if she had experienced major trauma already in her life that stunted her permanently. I didn’t know if she was on scholarship or was able to pay her way. We knew very little about her other than she had a big crush on Timothy Hutton and she was taking art classes. She really couldn’t engage in conversation beyond that.
Jessie never reached out in friendship to any of us and being young we didn’t question why and just gave her the space she wanted. And since she was someone I couldn’t relate to, I didn’t pursue friendship either. Once we all graduated I never heard about her again. Until today.
I read through the latest edition of the alumni magazine which has updates on life events including deaths. Listed in the Death section was Jessie who died last year.
I looked her up on Google to see what had happened and how her life had been. All I could find was an obituary written by her family. There was no information about her life in that obituary other than a brief paragraph.
Her family described her life as going to college, studying photography and graphic art, a lifelong reader, and during her last years, acting as caretaker for her elderly father. Nothing more.
Her father survives her and is listed as living in the Midwest where Jessie passed away. She also had 5 siblings yet she alone took care of the father. What struck me was the final sentence: “Jessie will be buried in the family plot in Ojai”. I thought, what does that mean – is this a wealthy family? Why is the family plot in Ojai when none of the family lives in that area? Was she at my college because this is where that particular wealthy family sent family members?
The obituary is on a page of a mortuary website where people can share their thoughts and memories. There are no posts – none from her siblings nor from the “numerous nieces and nephews” the obituary mentions. The mortuary produced a tribute book and not one person contributed a tribute.
Today I think about Jessie and all of us who crossed paths with Jessie during that time in college. What world was she supposed to belong to, what world was she capable of living in and what world did she choose. Did her family expect her to be part of that world of the wealthy but she knew she never could or would be. I hope the silence on the tribute page doesn’t reflect how she was treated during her life. I wish I could know what world she chose to live in during these decades of her brief life.
In the picture of her on the obituary she looks almost exactly the same as she did in college except for, you know, being 45 years older. She died young and I hope her life was filled with the joy she found through photography, graphic art and reading. Things that can be enjoyed fully whether or not you are wealthy.
1/30/23
by Linda Bessin | Dec 22, 2022 | Let's Talk About
We have had so many challenges over the past three years – the pandemic, political upheaval, cultural upheaval, economic upheaval and the list goes on. How do we keep our bearings? How do we continue on with a sense of stability?
I have seen and heard about many people who have become broken from all this turmoil. With all the mental, emotional and physical challenges, they lose the ability to cope. The parts of our life that bring stability are like legs on a table; the table will not be able to stay balanced with the loss of one leg and with the loss of more than that the table will collapse.
I feel like I have been on a treadmill that not only doesn’t stop but keeps speeding up. I decided that it is time for me to not completely step off the treadmill, but slow it down to focus on pursuing what I call a life well lived.
“We have got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen”
— D.H. Lawrence
What are the simple pleasures in my life right now? Having the time to finish a book, watch a movie I want to see, bake and cook. To go on a hike and enjoy my fitness and health which so many others are denied. To support my friends and their goals. To keep pushing for change, to work on the nonprofits I care about, to keep trying to help others, but to also understand that there need to be limits to this pushing in order to help myself and keep all the legs on my table intact. And I am not the only one searching for the meaning of meaning and worth these days.
To me, this is my life well lived right now. To simplify, to appreciate, to enjoy, to stop and think and savor. It looks like others are reaching the same conclusion.
Your life well lived is likely something different. My New Year’s wish for you is to find out what is your life well lived and begin, in whatever ways you can, to live that life..
12/22/22
